Jennifer Aniston makes me old

I hated writing this first line because it feels more used than a pornstar's exit ramp but there is really only one way to start this blog...so, I submit to my own lack of creativity.

This is how I know I am old; I am finally attracted to Jennifer Aniston.

It didn't take the new GQ cover to convince me. She got me with her half-assed stroll in The Break-Up. The mag cover didn't hurt though but it brought a whole different set of personal issues to the table. At first glance, all I noticed was the tie. Expressing admiration (and a hint of jealousy) for an intimate object really makes a person question his own declining libido. A magazine cover of a half naked mega-celeb and all I notice is a tie from Kohls? In my youth, when smut wasn't readily available, I was able picture any woman naked and imagine the two of us in millions of sexual positions and scenarios. Now I SEE a half naked woman and think "man, that tie would look great with my robins egg blue shirt. I wonder if it's too late to add to my Christmas list?"

I never got hot and bothered over Aniston in the early 90's. Hot and bothered is my nice way of saying 'masturbated to' because I didn't want to use an offensive word like masturbate in my blog. I don't want to offend my female readers with a crude word or image and didn't want to turn away any women who might be checking in for the first time. Just trying to be a gentleman.

Where was I? Oh right, whacking it to Aniston. So anyway, I didn't even think she was the most attractive regular character on Friends. In the order of 'doing' it went Cox, Kudrow, Chandler's ex-Janice then maybe Aniston if Ross' lez ex-wife didn't have a cameo. I just didn't see the appeal. Even at her peak Brad Pitt days, I didn't see the big bru-ha-ha over Aniston. (Bru-ha-ha is a nice way of saying hot and bothered, and well, connect the dots.)

Then with the Break-up came the little hint of sex appeal. A couple US Weekly pictures here, a Friends with Money there, and I started to kind of warm up to her. (Warm up is a nice way of ....kidding.) Now I am attracted. She looks fantastic in the GQ photo. She is a month or two away from 40 and doesn't look like she has aged in years.

The more I think about it the more I realize I might not just be attracted to Aniston, but more a women like Aniston. Older, confident, been around the block and has the heart scars, not ashamed of her body that is basically flawless.

Holy shit I am into old chicks.

This means I am old. This means that thought that always bothered me as a child "how am I going to have sex as a 60-year-old man when old lady ass repulses me" will no longer be an issue nor a worry. Why this bothered me as a child, I have no idea, but I thought about it on more than a handful of occasions and I am relieved it resolved itself with no help or experimenting involved.

I am old.

So Aniston is now on my list. She seems like a woman I'd date if this whole marriage/not a celebrity/living in Jersey/no libido doesn't work out. I think I have a chance. At least we have the same taste in neckwear.