Friday, August 15, 2008

20 things porn believes (none of which are true)

1.) Every man's body is hairless
2.) Moving from one sexual position to another is a breeze
3.) Sex can happen two minutes after meeting someone for the first time. Three minutes if either person has something to say
4.) Sex can last for hours and will always feel good
5.) Women MUST talk or groan every moment of intercourse and every sentence must end with the word 'yeah'
6.) Everyone lives in, or knows someone with, a huge mansion
7.) Private detectives are easy to find and all have a large penis
8.) Everyone is bare backing it
9.) Sex at work is easy to pull off
10.) But not as easy as threesomes and orgies
11.) Friendships don't matter when sex is involved. Neither do bloodlines.
12.) Every guy lives in the gym and sleeps in a tanning booth.
13.) Everyone woman has a little lesbian in her..(wait, that might be true)
14.) Anal is normal and never needs to be asked for
15.) Expect greatness when the UPS guy says he has a "package" for you
16.) Most women wear garters. All day. Every day. Even with bathing suits
17.) Aqua Net is still a popular hair care product
18.) Every popular movie must be satired in a porno (i.e.- The Dark Nuts and Edward Penishands)
19.) People are having sex multiple times a day, everyday
20.) That we are interested in a plot

15 comments:

Jessica P. Wallin said...

Aww, the plot is the best part!

Actually, the title is the best part. "Saving Ryan's Privates", anyone?

Shaun Industry said...

This all leads back to the advice I used to give my old college roommate who truly believed that all it took took to turn a straight man gay was a beer and a night of porn - wait, that might be true... Anyway, as I told him then, just because it happens IN porn, doesn't mean it happens. Still, I did see the guy he wanted to be gay in a gay bar three times after that, so... Fair warning to all you straight guys.

This post has taken me back to college - #18 reminds me of "Pornapolooza": our entire dorm (Prayther Hall - though we called it Gayther for it's high population of gays) building would get together to find the worst pornos ever made. I won in a landslide in 2001 with "Bitanic" (handlebar mustaches falling off and corsets with boob wholes cut out).

Illuminati said...

If you think I am not going to try and find that video you are crazy.

Jessica P. Wallin said...

And if it's safe you can send me a clip!

Shaun Industry said...

Well, I'm not sure how to find a "safe" clip of a porno, but here's a link to the cover (no nudity):

http://www.adultdvdnow.com/dvd/Bitanic_3127.html

Hey, you can get it for only 6 bux! LOL You'd only be wasting about five dollars and change at that rate.

Illuminati said...

Like you didn't hang on to your copy.

Shaun Industry said...

Are you kidding? I don't buy porn - that's what the Internet's for!

Anonymous said...

Dear Forum,

i never would have imagined this would ever happen to me but, well, you are not to going to believe this but, this is true and it really happened, well, I was working late recently with this really hot chick and, well I didn't know these things were true, but, I know this sounds crazy, but

Illuminati said...

Oh no, those letters are real.

Anonymous said...

hairless? They never saw Ron Jeremy have they?

Anonymous said...

Aw, you left out "women always wear high heels during sex."

Illuminati said...

Ron Jeremy is of the old school. When guys were beyond hairy.

Yes, high heels. Good one.

Anonymous said...

Regarding item #1, the Hedgehog would like to speak with you.

Illuminati said...

I'd be honored.

Glynis said...

Don't do porn I blush but you just hit MY HOTSPOT with this..(see my blog listing) :0